believe it or not

The other day I went into a local store. I needed some light bulbs.

The store was empty. No customers waiting. Only me. The guy was talking to some mate inside his office. He seemed to not having seen me (at least that's what I thought) so I cleared my throat. He then saw me, but turned his head and kept talking (in a very relaxed way) as if me being there was no big deal for him. I stood there, until I started to feel some frenzy inside, through a very familiar voice. It took me some seconds to realise it was my ego. The following dialog started:

– This arsehole is showing a big disrespect for us, don't you see? Come on. Let's get outta here. Let's show him we don't need his stupid light bulbs. We'll get them somewhere else.

I felt very close to follow this insisting voice's suggestion…but something got me glued to the floor, unable to move. Something 'told me' that leaving meant 'escaping'. The ego catched my insight. He is quick, goddamed.

–OK buddy, let's do the positive-statement thing then. That's fine to me too. Just send him this message by telepathy means: " I invoke your higher self and beg you to turn your head and pay attention to me. I'm here. Look at me. Just do it".

I did it. Twice. Three times.

Nothing happened…

–Agaaaain, come on. You have to be consistent and persistent. It takes efffffffort to achieve things in life, remember? (oh my evil, what am I gonna do with you?)

I just felt stupid.

–You see? It's worthless. Now let's get out and have some fresh air. We'll fix the bulbs later on.

But then I heard another voice. A very soft one, which I, all of a sudden, regarded as my inner and wise authority. The eternal Self. The never betraying one.

Inner Self:– why don't you stay calm?

Me: –what for? the guy is not even excusing himself? I said

My Ego: –That's true!

– I mean, why doesn't he even try to be polite? Can't he show some respect and kindness for a second?

– He won't behave as you want him to, because that attitude would keep you calm for a couple of minutes. It would keep you entertained your growing anxiety. That's why he is not going to do it the way you want it. He is acting as a reflection of your own anxiety, unconsciously playing the rol of a teacher who's teaching you a very powerful lesson. Why don't you accept there's trouble here going on inside? Why don't you manage this situation in a useful way?

– How then?

– Stop pretending you don't know. You know pretty well. I taught you how to deal with things like this, remember?

…I was close to stop this inner conversation with myself. But then I took a chance on me (which I'm glad for)

– You're right. I'll do it. I'll plunge deep within the feeling of rejection and throw off. I'm being casted aside.

– Whaaatt?, the ego answered. You must be kidding. Whom have you relied all your life on? Was it HIM who helped you through all those painful days in school? besides, this is completeley OLD FASHIONED sixties therapy approach. It won't work. I swear.

– Stop it, for God's sake. I know you've been helpful in a way, but thanks to the credit I accepted from you I've been lost for much too long time too. And I realize I've caused a lot of pain around to my beloved ones. And I'm ashamed of all the mess I've spitted, so THANK YOU!

The ego stopped his nonsensical speech (at least for a couple of minutes) so I took a deep breath and let myself plung into my memories, trying to connect the emotion of rage I unwillingly (unconsciously) experienced some seconds ago with a feeling that could parallel it but was let behind time ago…

…I feel rejected because he's not paying attention to me, he's not paying attention to me, (5 times)……He doesn't care about me, he doesn´t really care about me (4 times)…Then, all of a sudden (it takes time of purposefull exercise to reach this speed of awarness) I felt an instant connection…THEY (my parents) DIDN'T CARE A DAMNED SHIT ABOUT ME!!

I swear time stopped. A lonely tear ran out of my left eye. I FELT very lonely and hopeless. I felt sorry for myself. Like a sort of child inside me had been hiding inside me and now, thanks to my purposeful exercise, he had just got some relief. I felt like it was well worth the effort. And it paid off. I felt an unexplainable sense of reward. I had come at rescue of my inner child.

And instantly the phone rang!

It rang three times, and then the storeguy stopped his conversation and picked it. It was like a bell reminding him of his duty towards me as a customer-standing-on-the-queue.

He hang the phone and came then to me, and politely as can be, he said he was sorry about having been disrespectful.